The information I seek is not just any kind of information, but it obviously has to be connected to my interests in self improvement, so the first criteria is that it must be something I can relate to at my current level of consciousness and something I feel I can use and act on.

What is interesting is that even with that much information in my brain, it’s good for nothing if I don’t apply it and act on it in some way. And here is the difficult part, making the shift from knowing to doing. It is so easy to know a lot of things, but actually implementing it and act on this information and knowledge is where the bridge is sometimes broken.

To get an idea of what I am talking about, imagine a bridge, a large bridge, one which is long enough so you can’t jump across it. The bridge is surrounded by the sea, so you can imagine any large bridge which is there to connect land. In the middle of this bridge, part of it is missing, so you can’t cross the bridge, you can’t jump across or walk or drive around it, you are stuck, you can’t move forward. You could go back, and try to find another bridge, but what if you can’t cross the next bridge you find either and so forth. You could go home, but you know that the other side of the bridge offers you what you always wanted, so you could never rest, because you couldn’t be content with that knowledge and knowing you could never get it, so you set out to figure out what you should do to patch the bridge so you can cross it.

This untiring search for more information and knowledge is what this is about. It is about finding the missing link to connect what you know with taking action on it and walking the talk. This is not an easy quest, as I will describe later.

Slowly you will begin to see patterns and possibilities for patching the bridge but the catch is that the patch, which will bring you to the other side of the bridge, is invisible while you are patching the bridge, so you can’t see it’s being reconnected, and trying to cross the invisible patch may send you straight in to the sea and you may drown, so you are too scared of even trying to cross. Only when you have reached the point when your knowledge has become an integral part of you and you are able to act on your knowledge on a consistent basis, will the patch on the bridge apprear clear and you can walk across it.

For many years I have been trying to patch the bridges in different areas of my life and some are closer to being connected than others and others again have already been connected. The thing is that much of it comes down to how we were raised. What was said and done to us have a huge influence on how slow or how fast we are able to connect and cross the bridges.

Let me give you an example. I was raised by wonderful parents who loved me and did the very best they could to give me a good start in life. In addition to giving me love, attention etc etc. they also passed on beliefs about life in general and about specific things that they believed to be true, either through own experience or through their parents, grandparents, teachers, society and others who had an impact on their lives. The problem is that some of these beliefs might have been true for them, but might not be true for those who they passed these beliefs to. You see when we are children, up until 6 years of age, we are like sponges, we absorb everything that goes on around us, we take over the beliefs that others around us believe and the programs they are running, because we observe and feel it by the way they treated us and others.

As adults we run the same programs as we were raised with and without being aware of it, it’s impossible to change those beliefs and programs. As an example, this means that if our mother or father had a tendency to nag at us all the time to do things, when we were kids, we will treat our own kids the same way. It’s like a tape recorder that is being played over and over again, which we cannot interrupt, because it sits in our subconscious mind. To interrupt this tape recorder, we need to become aware and be able to identify the moments when we are running the tape recorder and stop up and ask ourselves, if we really believe that this way of treating our children is the right way to get them to do the things we want them to do.

This of course requires a lot of self insight and a lot of knowledge about alternative ways of raising children, so first step is to read good books about raising children, so you know there are other ways to raise your children, if you find that you are not getting the outcome you wish and if you are tired of having to nag at your children and not seeing any effect.

But connecting this knowledge with the bridge we imagined earlier, is the challenge, because in the heat of the moment, or if we are tired, stressed, angry or just not present and aware, the tape recorder takes over the show, because it’s easier, whereas being aware needs conscious effort which is tiring.

For a long time, many years in fact, I have struggled to ignore my tape recorder and challenged my beliefs and it’s an ongoing effort, as our subconscious mind is ever so strong, but it’s possible to change the paradigms – programs and beliefs – if you know how to and make a conscious effort continuously and don’t give up when it gets challenging.

It’s easy to notice what others do wrong, and it’s getting easier to recognise where I go wrong, but without awareness we won’t improve our abilities to be better parents and break free from our past beliefs and programs and the tape recorder, which might not serve us now, especially not if our beliefs are limiting us from progressing in the areas of our life that we want to.

I don’t believe in nagging at my children so I don’t nag, but I try to find other ways to motivate them to do what they are supposed to do. One of my children is self driven and pro-active, so there is no need for monitoring or motivation, as it happens naturally, but my other child needs constant reminding and monitoring and it takes a completely different set of communication skills and mentoring approach to see the results we want, because the parenting style we were raised with is not effective or sufficient today and much more self awareness is required of us to be able to teach and enable our child to do well.

All children are different and therefore need to be treated differently to bring out the best in them. One child can be sensitive while the other child is not, and therefore the same style of parenting doesn’t work on both children and different approaches are needed, but it’s challenging for parents beause we need to learn completely new methods, while at the same time trying to tame the lion, our sub conscious mind, which will fight against us trying to do things in a new and different way, which I might write about another day.

So tying it all together, in my experience it’s a long journey and process to cross the bridge from running the tape recorder to becoming aware consciously of what we are doing on a subconscious level to shifting and changing the paradigms (past beliefs and programs) to actually start running new programs based on new beliefs and knowledge, which serve us and our children better.

In celebration of awareness and progress,

Ghita

Sure, it’s a huge challenge for teachers to adopt new ways of teaching and there will be resistance and objections, because most people don’t want to change or don’t like change, and on top of this it’s really difficult to change our habits and the way we have done things for years, but it’s necessary in order to tap in to the brilliant minds of children to make room for new creative ideas and innovative thoughts to secure our future on planet Earth.

In one of Sir Ken Robinson’s videos, I can’t remember which one now, but I have included all the videos that I have watched this far below for your reference, he said that research has shown that some people think better on their feet, while moving around and people learn better in groups, while talking and sharing, and here we are in most school situations, where children are asked to sit still for hours on end, expected to work independently and be quiet throughout the lessons, all which goes directly against the nature of most people.

Why do we want to work against what has been proven to be a much more effective way of learning, just because that is how it has always been done?

What if the schools allowed the students, who can’t sit still for very long, to move around before an exercise in order for them to get the concepts in place in their heads first, so it only takes them minutes to complete the exercises, instead of struggling for a long time to complete it, and get in trouble for fiddling with their pen and for moving in their seat, because they can’t sit still and for being noisy?

What if the schools allowed the students to work in groups for even simple exercises or for what is considered individual class work and to talk about the work among themselves, if that actually improved their understanding of the concepts and made them work faster, or at least to complete the work within the given time-frame, while they are enjoying themselves at the same time?

What if the schools allowed the teachers to separate the students in to different groups based on the children’s primary and preferred learning styles i.e. visual, audio and kinesthetic learners, and if these children were taught the concepts based on their preferred learning style and if they sat together with other children with the same learning style and after the initial introduction of the concept and instruction helped each other to apply the concepts based on their preferred learning style and did the exercises together?

The benefits that could be achieved from implementing this are endless and it would really make a huge difference in the lives of our children and we would have so many more happy, thriving, creative, diligent, motivated and excited students in the schools and children at home.

I just love the way one of Sir Ken Robinson’s speeches is made in to a cartoon, which really enhances the message he is conveying. Do watch the video at the following link — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCbdS4hSa0s

Some of  Sir Ken Robinson’s videos are:

Changing Paradigms – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mCbdS4hSa0s

Bring on the learning revolution! – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r9LelXa3U_I&feature=relmfu

Do schools kill creativity? — http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY

Enjoy!

/Ghita

My focus has always been on positive and progressive content, but this past year has had its challenges and I deviated slightly from this focus, hence I didn’t feel I had much to write about on my blog.

Of course there have been great things happening at TIS such as Tenby’s Got Talent in July, where the teachers and students really put in a lot of efforts and hard work to make it a successful and exciting talent show and other positive things happening at the school, but it has also been a year of reflection and I think the school needed time to get clear on its goals and how to move forward. A survey for the parents was conducted and discussions regarding the Parents Association took place during a couple of coffee mornings earlier this year, all of which I attended.

As an employer I can certainly relate to how challenging it is to get everything right, and it’s impossible to make everybody happy, because we come from different backgrounds and have different expectations of the school, but I think the school has to stand its grounds and move on with the vision and mission that they set out to achieve, and I trust that they are genuine in these pursuits, and I can certainly accept challenging times, as long as there are some progress to be seen and as long as the school is transparent and communicate with the parents regularly, so we are kept in the loop of what is happening at the school and as long as the school is open for discussions with the parents and are willing to listen.

It is therefore very exciting for me to see the positive changes and new developments that are currently taking place and are under way in Tenby International School and I feel I have good reason to give the school my 100% support, because they are really trying their very best to reach out to the parent community and to improving the school and themselves to show they are walking their talk. Tenby International School held its first coffee morning of the new academic year 2011/2012 on Monday 26th September 2011, which I attended and thought went very well and I will write about it soon, but I can tell that the school is progressing and new exciting times are in store.

However, for the remaining of this post I want to spend some time talking about communication, trust and expectations. Having studied communication and psychology, I know that we humans see and perceive things differently, so we might not have the same experience and perception of the school, but we ourselves are responsible for the way we perceive and approach the school, the management and the teachers and the way we are treated in return.

Nothing good is accomplished by approaching others with anger, disrespect, resentment or blame, as most people will immediately become defensive and react, sometimes inappropriately, which is very normal, as they are placed in a situation that is very uncomfortable for them. What we need to do is to genuinely acknowledge others for their efforts first and foremost, and emphasize on the positive aspects of their work and on what is going well, before bringing up issues that are of concern to us, presented in a calm, non-attacking and non-threatening manner and with emphasis on trying to find a win win solution for the benefit of all involved, because then people are more likely to help us.

We must first understand others and put ourselves in their shoes, before others are willing to understand us. It always comes from ourselves first, we must take responsibility for the way we communicate with others, and if we feel people misunderstand or mistreat us, we need to be honest with ourselves and try to figure out where we go wrong in our communication with others and then try to do it differently next time and try to improve our style of communication – the way we approach and talk with other people – until we feel understood and respected by them.

Of course the school has a responsibility to serve its “customers” and to work at fulfilling parents’ expectations, exactly what our clients expect of us, but we still need to approach the school in a friendly manner and with the right attitude, otherwise we won’t be successful with our requests.

The school is doing the best they can, and just like we would forgive our spouse for having a bad day, we have to forgive other people too, as the school management and teachers are under constant pressure to perform and live up to the parents’ expectations, and sometimes the pressure gets too much to bear, and as parents we need to step back and trust their ability to provide a good education to our children.

It’s fine to raise questions when in doubt, and give the school an opportunity to address our concerns, however we could choose to be open to the option that our concerns might be based on fears and worries about the future – what if our children won’t get the necessary knowledge, skills and results to enable them to further their studies and become successful – which is a very valid concern, but if we choose not to accept the school’s explanation and choose not to trust their ability to educate our children, regardless of what the school does then, they will never be able to live up to our expectations, because our concerns are based on fear of the future and the unknown, which only we ourselves can do something about.

So to conclude this posting, I encourage parents to trust Tenby International School and allow them room and time to work on the exciting new endeavours, which I will write more about soon.

Take care and have a pleasant day!

To peace, positivity and progression,

Ghita

Normally Higher Education Institutions expect students to have acquired these skills during the foundation years in school, and if they haven’t, this is something students are expected to learn quickly, if they hope to achieve good educational results, hence it would be desirable, if these skills were taught in the schools’ forming years, because not only does it make learning more fun and interesting, it also instill valuable and useful skills in students from a young age, which are beneficial to them in their further studies and life-long learning, as it contributes to reaching higher levels of understanding and application.

During the forming years in school, the activities and expectations have to match the students’ level of comprehension and competences, but if taught properly and from an early age, it is surprising how fast children develop these skills and thereby contribute much more to their own learning experience and to the school community, which will foster a more vibrant and conducive learning environment, wherein the students play a bigger role in their own education and the activities they are involved in.

By shifting the role of students as the passive listeners and doers to the role of the students being more actively involved in organising and participating in the lessons and activities, more capable and knowledgeable students will come out of it as a result. Students who are able to achieve the desired educational objectives, will be able to contribute much more to society as a whole from home to the workplace and beyond.

There are several processes of learning that we need to go through to fully grasp the concepts we are being taught, and there are a number of different theories and models that explain the stages of learning. One of these is Bloom’s Taxonomy of Educational Objectives, which include the six stages of learning and these are:

• Knowledge: the recall of specific items

• Comprehension: can recall, but can do a little more (e.g. paraphrase, define, discuss to some extent)

• Application: all of the above, but can take information of an abstract nature and use it in concrete situations

• Analysis: can break down a communication into its constituent parts, revealing the relationships among them

• Synthesis: can pull together many disorganised elements or parts so as to form a whole

• Evaluation: make judgements about the value of materials or methods

From reading about these learning theories, I have thought a lot about what I would like my children to be able to do cognitively, when they finish their forming school years, and thus far I have listed the following.

In addition to learning the basics of reading, writing and doing mathematics and all the other subjects currently in the curriculum, I want them to learn:

- how and where to search for information to gain more knowledge
- to comprehend and understand in depth what this information and knowledge means in general and in relation to themselves, their family, friends and community
- to be able to apply what they have learnt in creative and solution orientated ways
- to be able to analyze information and be able to ask the right questions using critical thinking skills
- to be able to evaluate themselves, their work and their performance as objectively as possible to understand it and themselves better
- to be able to pinpoint areas, where they can improve

If these were standard learning objectives in schools, I believe the level of children’s education would improve tremendously, which would benefit everyone on so many levels. From early on, students would acquire many useful and valuable skills, which would enable them to contribute more in future within many different areas from research to creating new inventions over improved standard of service and products, communication, knowledge management, rich media and entertainment etc.

And moreover they will be able to take responsibility for themselves rather than depending on and blaming others for any failure they may face or lack of achievements, and will also improve their level of tolerance, because they learn how to evaluate themselves and see the connection between lack of efforts and lack of success and thereby understand that they are responsible for improving themselves to be able to achieve good results in their chosen fields.

–> Well, I really wish you can represent me. I’ve told the principal I’ve been verbally abused. I have evidence of it. But she doesn’t wish to do anything. The teacher called me pathetic, hopeless, unsuccessful and said I deserved to be yelled at. I got suspended for sticking up for myself. Procedures don’t really count. The only rule that counts is the one that doesn’t exist; the student is always wrong. It’s very depressing. I’ve lost all faith in society now. My father agrees with them. He doesn’t know about the verbal abuse. I don’t think he’ll care. What’s funny, is that a student would get hammered for saying those things to a teacher; because the teachers don’t come here to be abused. Likwise for me, but…no. Oh well, at least a parent here cares enough to write about it. Makes me feel a bit better, because you confirmed to me it is wrong, thank you.

————————-

I wrote back to her and I hope my response was useful to her in some way. You can read my reply here.

I am of the opinion that verbal abuse should be dealt with seriously, because it can be very hurtful to the abused and cause a lot of harm, even if it was meant as a joke. In fact, lots of children and probably also adults, use the excuse “it was just a joke” to cover up what they said, which is even worse, because on top of the hurtful remark, the abuser hurts the person one more time by saying she/he is too sensitive and can’t take a joke. A simple rule is, if no one or the abused doesn’t laugh, it’s not a joke. A much better way would be to apologise.

I urge parents and teachers to teach children to think before they speak and to ask themselves before they speak “if I say this, how would the other person react” or “if someone said this to me, how would I feel” and if a voice inside them tells them that it’s probably not a good idea to say it, then they shouldn’t say it.

I also urge parents and teachers to teach children to apologise immediately, if they say something that has hurt someone, because empathy, which would automatically stop them from saying hurtful things to others, takes time to learn, especially if children have not been taught from home to be considerate of other people’s feelings and to be careful not to hurt others, and it will take time to learn how to control outbursts and start thinking before speaking and to manage anger effectively, but it is worth the efforts.

I recently bought a book that teachers children to stand up for themselves and their friends in an assertive way that don’t keep the fighting going but teaches how to speak up in a respectful way, while still feeling empowered by being able to say something back to the bully/abuser, so it can stop.

From my own experience as the verbally abused/bullied child in school, I learned that the passive or submissive approach by ignoring and waiting it out don’t work, and can actually make it worse. Unfortunately I never learned to stand up for myself during my school days, but tried to ignore it and the bullying continued. It was heartbreaking, and I cried many times and dreaded going to school every day, because I didn’t know how to handle it. I told my parents, but they just told me to ignore it, which didn’t work. Had they known what parents know today, they would have addressed the issue with the school directly to stop it or even better they would have taught me how to stand up for myself, but of course at that time, even parents found it hard to address such issues with the school and didn’t have the knowledge and techniques that we have today to deal with verbal abuse and bullying effectively.

It is because of my own experience as a victim of bullying that I take this issue very seriously as it happens every single day in all schools around the world and inflicts a lot of pain to the involved children. In teaching my own children to stand up for themselves and learn to speak up assertively, they can stop and prevent the fighting/bullying from continuing and gain the respect they deserve as individuals, which is the objective. My hope is that all parents would teach their children assertive communication, because it’s useful in all areas of life, as verbal abuse doesn’t only happen in schools, but in workplaces between colleagues, bosses and subordinates and in homes between husbands and wives and families. I believe that if more people learned to speak assertively and accepted other people’s feelings, boundaries and point of view, even opinions that are different from their own and learned to agree to disagree, there would be more peace and harmony in our relationships with other people, improve our well-being and mental state, and it may even prevent divorce and fighting among people.

Such great possibilities exist in learning how to communicate assertively. So what does it mean to communicate assertively?

There are several definitions such as:

1. Assertive communication is the straightforward and open expression of your needs, desires, thoughts and feelings. Assertive communication involves advocating for your own needs while still considering and respecting the needs of others.

2. As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries, their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them. Passive communicators are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by overcoming fear to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. Assertive people are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.

3. Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognises our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.

4. Assertiveness is a form of communication in which needs or wishes are stated clearly with respect for oneself and the other person in the interaction. Assertive communication is distinguished from passive communication (in which needs or wishes go unstated) and aggressive communication (in which needs or wishes are stated in a hostile or demanding manner).

There are many advantages of assertive communication, most notably these:

• It helps us feel good about ourselves and others
• It leads to the development of mutual respect with others
• It increases our self-esteem
• It helps us achieve our goals
• It minimises hurting and alienating other people
• It reduces anxiety
• It protects us from being taken advantage of by others
• It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life
• It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative

From the help of the book I bought and talking with my daughter about responses and ways of communicating assertively, I am teaching her slowly how to stand up for herself and her friends. And she is slowly beginning to use it and the other day she managed to stop a friend from saying something that would have hurt another friend. What she did was, upon realising what her friend was about to say, she walked over to her and firmly said ”Don’t say it (name), she is going to be hurt if you do”. And that’s it, she not only helped her friend understand that what she was about to say was wrong and could hurt someone else, but she also prevented the other friend from being hurt and she quickly thought of something harmless to divert the attention from the situation. My daughter felt good about herself for being brave enough to speak up and prevent a hurtful situation, as she knows how much it would have hurt, as she has empathy enough to be able to put herself in her friend’s shoes and feel what she would have felt if she had heard it.

While it’s good to teach children the techniques of assertive communication, parents also have a responsibility to teach their children to treat other people nicely and what’s right and what’s wrong to say and do. Parents can’t just leave that up to children to figure out, as values and manners need to be talked about and passed down the generations to ensure that children behave properly and treat others with kindness, respect and consideration.

I will continue to write about assertive communication another day and will also give tips about what to say in different situations.

To me the article is very inspiring because it not only gives ideas for self help but it also give parents ideas and advice on how to communicate with our children to create the most positive impact on their mind-set for future success and to better withstand setbacks, which of course is one of my biggest priorities as a parent, to help my children develop the necessary life skills to better cope with the challenges their face in life, and is the reason for emphasizing on this in this posting.

It’s not new to me, but it’s always great to be reminded about it, as we so easily forget and fall back on our usual style of parenting, which may not always be the most beneficial and effective way, so I hope the examples provided in the article will strengthen my ability to be even better at communicating with my children.

Here goes:

Make up your mind to succeed

Well-intentioned parents have unwittingly left their kids defenseless against failure. The current generation of millennials (born between 1980 and 2001) grew up playing sports where scores and performance were downplayed because “everyone’s a winner.” And their report cards had more positive spin than an AIG press release. As a result, Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck, PhD, calls them the “overpraised generation.” Fortunately, once you understand the situation, there’s some quick corrective action that can be taken. And even if you’re well past your child-rearing years, her advice will help you better withstand setbacks.

Dweck has been studying how people handle failure for 40 years. Her research has led her to identify two distinct mind-sets that dramatically influence how we react to it. Here’s how they work:

A fixed mind-set is grounded in the belief that talent is genetic–you’re a born artist, point guard, or numbers person. The fixed mind-set believes it’s entitled to success without much effort and regards failure as a personal affront. When things get tough, it’s quick to blame, withdraw, lie, and even avoid future challenge or risk.

Conversely, a growth mind-set assumes that no talent is entirely heaven-sent and that effort and learning make everything possible. Because the ego isn’t on the line as much, the growth mind-set sees failure as opportunity rather than insult. When challenged, it’s quick to reassess, adjust, and try again. In fact, it relishes this process.

We are all born with growth mind-sets. (Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to survive in the world.) But parents, coaches, and teachers often push us into fixed mind-sets by rewarding certain behaviors and misdirecting praise. Dweck’s book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, and online instructional program, brainology.us, explain this in depth. But she says there are many little things you can start doing today to guarantee that your kids, grandkids, and even you never get derailed by failure.

FOR KIDS
In school
Never compliment a child by saying “You’re so smart” or “You picked that up so quickly.” Instead, praise effort or strategy by saying “That was clever of you to take that approach” or “I’m proud of your persistence.” Listen for similar remarks from teachers and correct them.

In sports
Instead of “You’re a natural,” say “Practice is really making you better.” Instead of inquiring “Did you win?” ask “Did you give your best effort?” Explains Dweck, “Talent isn’t passed down in the genes; it’s passed down in the mind-set.”

At the dinner table
Instead of the standard “How was your day?” (which everyone dreads anyway), ask “What did you learn today?” or “What mistakes did you make that taught you something?” Describe with zeal something you’re struggling with. “Instill a passion for learning,” says Dweck.

In making plans for the future
Don’t just ask about goals; ask about the plan for reaching those goals.

In frustration
Don’t permit children to refer to themselves as losers, failures, stupid, or clumsy. “Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,” says Dweck. Likewise, don’t label your kids. Don’t say this one is the artist, and this one is the computer geek. Anyone can be anything.

In doubt
If you encounter skepticism, ask the child to think of areas in which she once had low ability and now excels, or to recall a time when she saw someone learn something or improve in ways not thought possible.

FOR YOU
At work
Instead of letting salary, benefits, and status define job satisfaction, ask yourself if you’re still learning. If the answer is yes, then you’re fortunate to have a job that encourages a growth mind-set. View its challenges as opportunities rather than stress. If you’ve stopped learning, then consider looking either for new avenues of growth or for another job.

In relationships
Blame never resolves anything. It’s merely the fixed mind-set insisting that you’re right. The next time you’re tempted to blame, says Dweck, remember that “the whole point of marriage is to encourage each other’s development.”

When feeling down
People who are depressed tend to believe that’s just the way they are. Instead of viewing yourself as a failed end product, think of yourself as a temporarily derailed work in progress. “We usually think of personality as something very stable,” says Dweck, “but we’re finding that even core parts of it can be changed by shifting mind-sets.”

Follow the link to read the full article at http://www.rd.com and for the above tips: Make up your mind to succeed.

The other day I wrote about how happy I was to be able to still communicate with my teenage son, and how I realised the importance of being there for him when he is ready to talk. Then earlier this week there was an article in NewStraitsTimes called “Getting through” that coincidentally talked about the exact same thing.

I have extracted some of the comments from the article in this posting to highlight some of the common experiences and suggestions on how to maintain a good and close relationship with our teenagers.

If you talk to anyone who is raising a teenager or teenagers, one of the main things the parent would be agonising over is figuring out how to get through to the kid.

Let’s face it, teenagers — most of them anyway — aren’t exactly the easiest bunch for adults to connect with.

So it can be a shock for parents one day to find their tween now a teen and the frequency used to communicate is no longer in service.

Being accessible seems to be the route that works.

“Treat them like a friend, have an open mind and follow the young trend if possible. Try to share at least 5 to 15 minutes (or more if possible) everyday with them. Update each other and shower them with care and love.

Even teens echo that thought. “Good communication between parents and teens is when parents are easy to approach by their teens in a situation. It is good communication when teens can easily go up to their parents and ask, confide and tell their parents what is going on in their lives.

“Good communication can only happen when parents decide that they want to be a friend with their children first and authoritative figures next.

“As with all good communication, it is very important to listen and understand first. I always try to be a friend, not an authority figure. I bear in mind that I was a teen once and try to remember how I thought and acted as a teen.

And I try not to say ‘no’ first when she asks for anything. I also try to be flexible wherever I can so as not to come across as being too rigid.

According to Dr Subash Kumar Pillai, senior lecturer and consultant psychiatrist for child adolescent and adult psychiatry at the University Malaya Medical Centre, good communication starts from the time you have a child. “Show them that their views are important. Allow them to talk and express themselves. As always, good communication can only begin when the relationship between the teen and the parent is good.

“No one is going to confide in anyone if there isn’t a good relationship to start with. Build a good relationship with the teen from the time they are young and not when they are teens,” he added.

“If there is one thing that is important in communication with your child, it is the attachment or bond between the parent and child.

“How do parents spend time with their child? Do they only ask them if they have finished their homework? Do they spend time playing with their kids? It’s something you don’t see so much these days,” he asked.

The child will listen to you if you have a good relationship with them. Lecturing can make it seem like you are nagging when all you want is to make your point,” he explained.

It is an impossible, frustrating feeling for a parent who tries but knows that they are not getting through to their offspring.

“Once children are in their teens, rebelliousness kicks in. It can be frustrating when they refuse to listen to your well-meaning advice and call it nagging.

How can a parent help their teen build a sense of independence without letting them run wild and getting into trouble? “Teens need to be independent and be aware of their limits. How a parent is going to explain to the child all this is determined by the strength of their relationship. There is so much of negative influences in the society and parents need to exert their influence on their children,” said Subash. In any modern society, the idea of the teen making contact with friends of the opposite sex can be a cold, nightmarish thought for most concerned parents. It’s tricky territory for sure.

“Parents should remember that they too were teenagers once. Teenagers need some freedom. It’s good to understand what was it like for them at that age and how they would have like things to be different with their parents,” he said.

“Unfortunately many parents spend too much time worrying about their child’s academic performance instead of their other needs.

“Spend time with the child. Play and enjoy some quality time with them. It could be something simple like watching a movie, playing football or going out on a picnic.” Ultimately, there is no easy, quick fix.

“There are no shortcuts to good parenting. It takes a lot of work and time to build relationships with your kids. But the long-term benefits are substantial and should prevent most problems,” he added.

To read the full article, go to Newstraitstimes.

“If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don’t be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning ‘good morning’ at total strangers”.

I think this is a great reminder, because I have this concept which I call the nice girl syndrome, which means that you are only able to show your true feelings at home to your loved ones, but outside you put on a smile even though you may not feel like smiling.

I am not saying that we should start scolding strangers on the street or take out the frustrations we have with our family on our colleagues at work, but I think we should learn to speak up and voice our opinions, disagreement and dissatisfaction to the people concerned, to prevent boiling over at the wrong times and in front of the wrong people.

There is an art to this, called assertive communication, which teaches us to communicate effectively without getting emotional and while still getting our message across and maintaining good relations to the people, we are communicating with. It is without a doubt a difficult skill to learn, and it takes time, efforts and lots of practice to master, but I believe it’s worth it to be able to smile to the people, who deserve our smiles.