–> Well, I really wish you can represent me. I’ve told the principal I’ve been verbally abused. I have evidence of it. But she doesn’t wish to do anything. The teacher called me pathetic, hopeless, unsuccessful and said I deserved to be yelled at. I got suspended for sticking up for myself. Procedures don’t really count. The only rule that counts is the one that doesn’t exist; the student is always wrong. It’s very depressing. I’ve lost all faith in society now. My father agrees with them. He doesn’t know about the verbal abuse. I don’t think he’ll care. What’s funny, is that a student would get hammered for saying those things to a teacher; because the teachers don’t come here to be abused. Likwise for me, but…no. Oh well, at least a parent here cares enough to write about it. Makes me feel a bit better, because you confirmed to me it is wrong, thank you.

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I wrote back to her and I hope my response was useful to her in some way. You can read my reply here.

I am of the opinion that verbal abuse should be dealt with seriously, because it can be very hurtful to the abused and cause a lot of harm, even if it was meant as a joke. In fact, lots of children and probably also adults, use the excuse “it was just a joke” to cover up what they said, which is even worse, because on top of the hurtful remark, the abuser hurts the person one more time by saying she/he is too sensitive and can’t take a joke. A simple rule is, if no one or the abused doesn’t laugh, it’s not a joke. A much better way would be to apologise.

I urge parents and teachers to teach children to think before they speak and to ask themselves before they speak “if I say this, how would the other person react” or “if someone said this to me, how would I feel” and if a voice inside them tells them that it’s probably not a good idea to say it, then they shouldn’t say it.

I also urge parents and teachers to teach children to apologise immediately, if they say something that has hurt someone, because empathy, which would automatically stop them from saying hurtful things to others, takes time to learn, especially if children have not been taught from home to be considerate of other people’s feelings and to be careful not to hurt others, and it will take time to learn how to control outbursts and start thinking before speaking and to manage anger effectively, but it is worth the efforts.

I recently bought a book that teachers children to stand up for themselves and their friends in an assertive way that don’t keep the fighting going but teaches how to speak up in a respectful way, while still feeling empowered by being able to say something back to the bully/abuser, so it can stop.

From my own experience as the verbally abused/bullied child in school, I learned that the passive or submissive approach by ignoring and waiting it out don’t work, and can actually make it worse. Unfortunately I never learned to stand up for myself during my school days, but tried to ignore it and the bullying continued. It was heartbreaking, and I cried many times and dreaded going to school every day, because I didn’t know how to handle it. I told my parents, but they just told me to ignore it, which didn’t work. Had they known what parents know today, they would have addressed the issue with the school directly to stop it or even better they would have taught me how to stand up for myself, but of course at that time, even parents found it hard to address such issues with the school and didn’t have the knowledge and techniques that we have today to deal with verbal abuse and bullying effectively.

It is because of my own experience as a victim of bullying that I take this issue very seriously as it happens every single day in all schools around the world and inflicts a lot of pain to the involved children. In teaching my own children to stand up for themselves and learn to speak up assertively, they can stop and prevent the fighting/bullying from continuing and gain the respect they deserve as individuals, which is the objective. My hope is that all parents would teach their children assertive communication, because it’s useful in all areas of life, as verbal abuse doesn’t only happen in schools, but in workplaces between colleagues, bosses and subordinates and in homes between husbands and wives and families. I believe that if more people learned to speak assertively and accepted other people’s feelings, boundaries and point of view, even opinions that are different from their own and learned to agree to disagree, there would be more peace and harmony in our relationships with other people, improve our well-being and mental state, and it may even prevent divorce and fighting among people.

Such great possibilities exist in learning how to communicate assertively. So what does it mean to communicate assertively?

There are several definitions such as:

1. Assertive communication is the straightforward and open expression of your needs, desires, thoughts and feelings. Assertive communication involves advocating for your own needs while still considering and respecting the needs of others.

2. As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries, their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them. Passive communicators are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by overcoming fear to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. Assertive people are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.

3. Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognises our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.

4. Assertiveness is a form of communication in which needs or wishes are stated clearly with respect for oneself and the other person in the interaction. Assertive communication is distinguished from passive communication (in which needs or wishes go unstated) and aggressive communication (in which needs or wishes are stated in a hostile or demanding manner).

There are many advantages of assertive communication, most notably these:

• It helps us feel good about ourselves and others
• It leads to the development of mutual respect with others
• It increases our self-esteem
• It helps us achieve our goals
• It minimises hurting and alienating other people
• It reduces anxiety
• It protects us from being taken advantage of by others
• It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life
• It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative

From the help of the book I bought and talking with my daughter about responses and ways of communicating assertively, I am teaching her slowly how to stand up for herself and her friends. And she is slowly beginning to use it and the other day she managed to stop a friend from saying something that would have hurt another friend. What she did was, upon realising what her friend was about to say, she walked over to her and firmly said ”Don’t say it (name), she is going to be hurt if you do”. And that’s it, she not only helped her friend understand that what she was about to say was wrong and could hurt someone else, but she also prevented the other friend from being hurt and she quickly thought of something harmless to divert the attention from the situation. My daughter felt good about herself for being brave enough to speak up and prevent a hurtful situation, as she knows how much it would have hurt, as she has empathy enough to be able to put herself in her friend’s shoes and feel what she would have felt if she had heard it.

While it’s good to teach children the techniques of assertive communication, parents also have a responsibility to teach their children to treat other people nicely and what’s right and what’s wrong to say and do. Parents can’t just leave that up to children to figure out, as values and manners need to be talked about and passed down the generations to ensure that children behave properly and treat others with kindness, respect and consideration.

I will continue to write about assertive communication another day and will also give tips about what to say in different situations.

He has a colour system consisting of a green, yellow and red colour, like a traffic light. The system works in such a way that there are tags with each student’s name on it and simply put, the intention is to measure the ‘temperature’ of the students’ behaviour in the class. If a child is not behaving according to the expectation, makes too much noise, are too chatty, not concentrating on the work given, his or her name will move from green to yellow, which serves as a warning. If a child continues to ignore the warning, he or she may be moved to a different place in the class or something else but if it still doesn’t work, his or her name will be moved to the red zone, which results in a serious talk with the child and/or a letter sent back home to the parents. No yelling, name calling, scolding or otherwise to make the children behave or keep quiet, just a powerful quiet message, which the students themselves must keep an eye on and be responsible for.

And my daughter enthusiastically tells me that every morning, they get a new chance, as they start with the green colour, so thus far, she says that her class is very good and well behaved, which I like to hear, as it proves that there are alternative ways to deal with discipline in school, which are respectful of the children’s integrity and which encourages them to take responsibility for their own actions and learn to measure the temperature of their own behaviour as well as others and know when the limit has been reached.

This method works very well on my daughter, because she fully understands the consequences of not behaving as expected. For example if she chats too much in class, she can adjust herself accordingly, as she can see ‘the temperature’, without the fear of being scolded herself or feel the pain by having to observe other children get in trouble publicly, as it hurts her as well.

My daughter knows very well that we her parents expect her to behave in class and listen to the teachers and do as she is told, therefore she would not want to misbehave and ignore the warning and have to deal with the consequences of her teacher having a serious talk with her or a letter being sent home. Therefore for someone like my daughter this method is perfect and I would be very surprised if a letter would be sent home because of her misbehaviour, as I believe she is capable of adjusting herself to avoid the colour ever turning red.

And although she hasn’t mentioned about it, I think that if they were working in groups or in pairs and some of the children in the group ignored the warning colour, the other children would try to reprimand them, as the rest of the children have a self interest in adhering to the warning, as they wouldn’t want to be implicated, which is an effective and good way, because it fosters the commitment and responsibility of the group as a whole.

Just another example of how Tenby International School in Malaysia is adopting the latest methods of positive discipline in the school. I hope it serves as a motivation for other schools around Malaysia and the world to adopt similar methods for the sake of our children’s integrity and healthy development in future.

Dr. Arun Gandhi, grandson of Mahatma Gandhi and founder of the M.K.Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence, shared the following story:

I was 16 years old and living with my parents at the institute my grandfather had founded 18 miles outside of Durban, South Africa, in the middle of the sugar plantations. We were deep in the country and had  no neighbors, so my two sisters and I would always look forward to going to town to visit friends or go to the movies.

One day, my father asked me to drive him to town for an all-day conference, and I jumped at the chance. Since I was going to town, my mother gave me a list of groceries she needed and, since I had all day in town, my father asked me to take care of several pending chores, such as getting the car serviced. 

When I dropped my father off that morning, he said, “I will meet you here at 5:00 p.m., and we will go home together.”

After hurriedly completing my chores, I went straight to the nearest movie theatre. I got so engrossed in a John Wayne double-feature that I forgot the time. It was 5:30 before I remembered. By the time I ran to the garage and got the car and hurried to where my father was waiting for me, it was almost 6:00.

He anxiously asked me, “Why were you late?” I was so ashamed of telling him I was watching a John Wayne western movie that I said, “The car wasn’t ready, so I had to wait,” not realizing that he had already called the garage.

When he caught me in the lie, he said: “There’s something wrong in the way I brought you up that didn’t give you the confidence to tell me the truth. In order to figure out where I went wrong with you, I’m going to walk home 18 miles and think about it.” So, dressed in his suit and dress shoes, he began to walk home in the dark on mostly unpaved, unlit roads. 

I couldn’t leave him, so for five-and-a-half hours I drove behind him, watching my father go through this agony for a stupid lie that I uttered. I decided then and there that I was never going to lie again.

I often think about that episode and wonder, if he had punished me the way we punish our children, whether I would have learned a lesson at all. I don’t think so. I would have suffered the punishment and gone on doing the same thing. But this single non-violent action was so powerful that it is still as if it happened yesterday. 

That is the power of non-violence.

But don’t stop there. Once students are in the classroom, you’ll want to continue with some of these teacher-recommended techniques for maintaining control without confrontation:

• Establish eye contact.
• Move around the room and increase proximity to restless students.
• Send a silent signal.
• Give a quiet reminder.
• Re-direct a student’s attention.
• Begin a new activity.
• Offer a choice.
• Use humor.
• Provide positive reinforcement.
• Wait quietly until everyone is on task.
• Ask a directed question.

And, when all else fails, try something else!

Creating a climate for learning is probably the most important — and most difficult — task a teacher faces, but it can be even more difficult for beginning teachers. As former U.S. Department of Education teacher-in-residence Mary Beth Blegan says, “Setting the classroom environment is key. For a new teacher that means pretending that you know what you’re doing.”

Source: www.education-world.com

Sybil Humphries: I saw a great reward system in use this year while I was observing a second-year teacher. The teacher had a kitchen timer and each time the class started to get unruly or loud, or took too much time getting settled, she held up the timer and said, “The timer is on.” When the students got themselves settled, she stopped the timer and recorded the number of seconds it took on the chalkboard. At the end of each calendar month, she added up the time and subtracted it from 15 minutes. The class got to decide on a special activity for the amount of time that was left.

Patti Fawver, Bristol (Wisconsin) School: Each child in the class receives a “checkbook” with a specific amount of money — say $200 — deposited in it. If a student doesn’t complete a homework assignment, he or she might have to write a “check” for $50. If a student breaks a classroom rule, perhaps he or she will owe $25. You can use any behavior you’d like to encourage. At the end of the week, students purchase privileges based on the amount of money they have left.

Gretchen Lee (San Jose, CA): One technique I use with my 6th and 7th graders is to bring in a stopwatch — the bigger, the better. I announce that they’re going to be given 2 minutes to talk. For every additional minute, they will lose 5 minutes of their lunch period. I start the stopwatch as soon as the students come in or any time during the day they when get out of hand. I just peer at it very dramatically until someone notices and calls out “She’s timing!” I keep timing until they settle down. In the six years I’ve used it, I’ve rarely had to keep a class in for lunch more than once.

Mary Haas, Professor of Educational Theory and Practice at West Virginia University: If a particular class is very noisy or disruptive, you might try bringing in a tape recorder and placing it where it can be seen by the students. Turn the recorder on and record the class. You can use the recording in a number of ways: 1. Analyze it to find out who is causing the problem. 2. Give the class a quiz, see how they score, then let them hear the tape of the class and have them make suggestions to improve learning. 3. With your “evidence,” talk to individual students or their parents.

Lorie Schaefer (Seeliger Elementary School; Carson City, Nevada): The system I used with 3rd graders was this: I placed their desks in pods of 4-5 and designated each pod by a color. On the chalkboard, I kept a weekly chart with tally marks for each group. Throughout the week I rewarded the groups with tally marks for quiet work, cleaning up, cooperation, whatever. At the end of the week, I rewarded the group with the most points with a small treat.

Ellie Depew: When you’ve had a successful day with students on task, reserve the last 10 or 25 minutes for games. (If you like, you can gradually work to a game once a week.) Winners can be rewarded with points or small prizes. The trick is that they have to earn this activity, and one person’s misbehavior can cause the rest of the class to forfeit it. Of course, the games should reflect your subject matter.

Sally Gill (Kingston Primary School, Tasmania, Australia): Over the past six years, I’ve run a very effective program in my class. Each child carries a card on which he or she records stamps awarded for great work, wonderful ideas, manners, friendliness, bringing things from home, anything. When they get 5 stamps, they can trade the card in for a treat. These “treats” are agreed upon at the beginning of the term and might include an item from the treat bag, permission to change seats, game time with a friend, or extra art or computer time. If a student breaks a class rule, he or she is given an X on the card. If a student gets two X’s, I contact the parents. Three X’s result in an after school detention. The good news is that students can trade in 3 stamps and eliminate one X! I teach 11 and 12 year olds and it works like a dream.

Susan Wailes (Texas): Buy 2 yardsticks and paint them in graduated amounts in these colors: green (about 12″), yellow (about 8″), red (about 4″), and black (about 4″). Hang the yardsticks in your classroom where they are visible to students. The colors represent grades for conduct and completing work. (Green=excellent, yellow=above average, blue=satisfactory, red=needs improvement, black=unsatisfactory.) Then buy a bag of clothespins and write each child’s name on 2 clothespins with a black marker. At the beginning of the week, each child’s clothespin is clipped to the green part of the yardstick. If homework is not completed, the clothespin on the ‘Completing Work’ yardstick is moved down one increment. If a student talks too much or disobeys a classroom rule, the clothespin on the ‘Conduct’ yardstick is moved down. When a clothespin reaches the red area, that student misses recess for the remainder of the week. When a clothespin reaches the black area, the student’s parents are notified. For rewards, each child has a 3″x4″ card. When a student is “caught being good,” the edge of his or her card is punched with a heart-shaped holepunch. Students use their cards to buy things from their teacher. For example, lunch with the teacher might “cost” 30 punches, bringing a boombox to recess is 25 punches, wearing a hat in class is 10 punches, and a pencil or eraser costs 5 punches. The items are all free or inexpensive and the kids love it when we have a “Punch Sale.”

Lindemarie Crawford, South Middle School, Morgantown, West Virginia: In the middle school I teach at, all classrooms are part of the Responsible Student Program (RSP). Under that program, students receive “violations” for not fulfilling the written plan for responsibility:


Being prepared — coming to class with all necessary materials.
Being respectful of others — includes verbal respect, not disrupting the learning environment, and proper etiquette.
Being prompt.

Each team decides how many violations they can receive before losing the nine-week reward. The nine-week rewards, determined by the team, can include a pizza party, class picnic, free time, a video, and so on. In addition, at the 6th grade level we give a weekly reward of 20-25 minutes of free time each Friday for students reaching weekly goals. Students who do not earn rewards must stay in a monitored classroom. Students soon learn that responsibility and respect have their rewards!

Source: www.education-world.com.

Stay tuned for more ideas and management techniques in the next posting.

Effective Classroom Management Techniques

According to Fred Jones’ Positive Classroom Discipline, “The most widespread management technique at home and in the classroom is nag, nag, nag.” ”It’s also probably the least effective.”

How can you avoid making that technique your own and create a “climate for learning”? 

Howard Miller, Associate Professor of Education at Lincoln University (Jefferson City, Missouri) suggests 12 steps teachers can take at the beginning of the year to promote effective classroom management.

• Develop a set of written expectations you can live with and enforce.
• Be consistent. Be consistent. Be consistent.
• Be patient with yourself and with your students.
• Make parents your allies. Call early and often. Use the word “concerned.” When communicating a concern, be specific and descriptive.
• Don’t talk too much. Use the first 15 minutes of class for lectures or presentations, then get the kids working.
• Break the class period into two or three different activities. Be sure each activity segues smoothly into the next.
• Begin at the very beginning of each class period and end at the very end.
• Don’t roll call. Take the roll with your seating chart while students are working.
• Keep all students actively involved. For example, while a student does a presentation, involve the other students in evaluating it.
• Discipline individual students quietly and privately. Never engage in a disciplinary conversation across the room.
• Keep your sense of perspective and your sense of humor.
• Know when to ask for help.

A Parent/Student/Teacher Compact

John Sipp, a Title 1 Specialist at Rocky Heights Elementary School in Hermiston, Oregon, says teachers there have found that rules are most effective when teachers, parents, and students are equally committed to upholding them. At the start of each school year, a compact spelling out their specific responsibilities is signed by each of the parties involved. Sipp has been kind enough to share that compact with Education World. The text of the compact follows.

As a parent/guardian, I will:

• Show respect and support for my child, the teachers, and the school.
• Support the school’s discipline policy.
• Provide a quiet, well-lit place for study and supervise the completion of homework.
• Attend parent-teacher conferences.
• Talk with my child each day about his or her school activities.
• Monitor my child’s TV viewing.
• Assist with at least one school or classroom activity.
• Read with my child for at least 10 minutes each day and let my child see me read.

As a student, I will:

• Always try to do my best work.
• Be kind and helpful to my classmates.
• Show respect for myself, my school, and other people.
• Obey classroom, school, and bus rules.
• Show respect for property by not stealing or vandalizing.
• Come to school prepared with my homework and my supplies.
• Believe that I can and will learn.
• Spend at least 15 minutes each day studying or reading at home.
• Talk with my parents each day about my school activities.

As a teacher, I will:

• Show respect for each child and for his or her family.
• Make efficient use of learning time.
• Provide a safe and comfortable environment that’s conducive to learning.
• Help each child grow to his or her fullest potential.
• Provide meaningful and appropriate homework activities.
• Provide necessary assistance to parents so they can help with assignments.
• Enforce school and classroom rules fairly and consistently.
• Supply students and parents with clear evaluations of progress and achievement.
• Use special activities in the classroom to make learning enjoyable.
• Demonstrate professional behavior and a positive attitude.

Now, hand in hand, we will work together to carry out this contract.


The agreement is signed by all three parties to show their commitment.

In the next posting I will include ideas on rewards and consequences.

I can’t stress enough my agreement with Ms Moore and how happy and fortunate we are as parents to welcome her in September 2009 in Tenby.

Enjoy!

Extract from the book called ‘Positive discipline’ by Nelsen, Lott & Glenn.

“We often hear the cry, “back to basics!” We agree. However, we disagree with many on the definition of “the basics.” We do not believe that the basics are reading, writing and arithmetic. We believe the basics are Courage, confidence and life skills, because with these, children have fertile ground on which to plant the seeds of academics and to live successfully in the world.
Reading, writing and arithmetic are not enough to prepare young people for responsible citizenship. All the academic knowledge in the world will not help those who lack self-discipline, judgment, social interest, ability to make good choices and sense of responsibility that enable them to act effectively in life. Unfortunately, our educational system today often does not provide young people with these skills.”

“The positive discipline dream…… We have a dream. A dream about schools where young people are treated with respect and have the opportunity to learn the skills they need for a successful life. A dream about schools where children will never experience humiliation when they fail but will instead feel empowered by the opportunity to learn from their mistakes in a safe environment. It is a dream about schools where students learn cooperation instead of competition, where students and teachers collaborate on solutions. It is a dream about students and teachers helping one another to create an environment that inspires excitement for life and learning because fear and feelings of inadequacy and discouragement are no longer part of the learning environment. The end result is an educational system that nurtures young people and gives them the skills and attitudes to help them be happy, contributing members of society.
Many teachers and students have realised this dream by using methods based on mutual respect. Mutual respect requires that adults see children as people and as unique individuals. Teachers who see students in this light do not treat them as robots whose only function is to be controlled and manipulated for their own good. They see students as valuable resources with worthwhile ideas and skills.”

Comment from Ms Moore:

This is an extract from a book called ‘Positive discipline’ by Nelsen, Lott & Glenn. As a teacher I always look to different ways in which I can support my students wellbeing as well as their academics. This book has a very positive stance on how to open up communications and give children the opportunity to participate in class decisions. Whether a teacher or a parent it has different ideas to help us adults deal with children. Based on developing mutual respect through positive discipline rather than discipline through control and punishment. This book tries to show that it is possible to turn negativity around, but it takes both time and commitment to change the atmosphere in our schools and classrooms. There are consequences of continuing with the approach of discipline through fear and punishment. There is an effect on children’s outlook on life and their willingness to learn new things. The book demonstrates studies in America that show mental conditions that carry on into adulthood.

“Dr. William Nicoll calls his first category Classroom-Induced School Phobia. This condition expresses itself through persistent, excessive worry about school and a fear of doing something or acting in a way that could be humiliating or embarrassing, possibly resulting in disapproval or rejection. The problem may be accompanied by headaches, stomach aches, decreased social functioning outside of school, verbalised fears of poor performance, fear of teacher, nightmares, sleep disturbances, depression and a refusal to attend school.

Dr. Nicholl sums up with a description of what he calls Adult Children of Dysfunctional Classrooms. These adults become agitated when faced with new tasks, responsibilities or challenges; they suffer flashbacks involving past classroom traumas, such as failure, perceived humiliation and loss of prestige. They may also avoid risk taking, experience feelings of inferiority or inadequacy or possess generalised anger and resentment towards educators.”

As a teacher I believe it is my responsibility to not just teach my subject but to care and show consideration to my students. We all have at least one bad experience as a result of student teacher interaction that we remember into adulthood. I would hope with the correct school environment and a positive discipline approach to teaching, children can recount their time at school as a good and positive experience. Having developed a long the way a love for learning and a lifelong quest to always better themselves. I continue even as an adult taking new courses, learning new things and wanting to share the important things I have learnt. I hope this article is a help to parents who want to know what should be the bench mark and the expectations in a modern school system.
 
Ms. Moore