I agree with the author of the article, as from my own experience I have established good relationships with my children’s teachers by approaching them from a place of respect, appreciation and an open mind in order to gain constructive feedback about my children’s progress, strengths and challenges without blaming, judging or scolding the teachers, even if the news weren’t always good, because in my mind blaming, judging and scolding will only lead to the teachers defending themselves, which will break down the communication between us, and that is counterproductive to my objective of helping my children progress and do well in school.

Because of this, I feel the teachers always have my children’s best interests at heart and they always support working together to help my children improve and progress according to the expectations. Many of times they even recommended additional value-added resources to my children and me to check out on the Internet at home, so my children can practice on their own to improve their skills and knowledge about the subjects they are studying in school, which will make them more independent, responsible and self-driven, which are essential skills they need to learn to be able to succeed at work in future.

In my opinion the teachers at Tenby International School are dedicated and committed to helping the students, and I think that if a child is not doing well in a subject, it is of course good practice for the teacher to inform the parents about it, but I also understand from reading the article that it can be a challenging task to tell the parents the “bad” news, and the teachers might refrain from telling the parents out of fear and worry about the parents’ response, if they from past experience have seen other parents get upset and starting to scold them instead of addressing the issue with their child(ren).

We parents must understand that we need to expect something from our children, if we expect them to succeed in life. We can’t just leave it up to the teachers and blame them, if our children are not performing as well as expected. We should instead turn around and look at ourselves and our child(ren) to assess whether we expect enough from them, whether our children are reluctant to make an effort, whether they have the right attitude towards their school work and whether we are teaching our children the right values, to take responsibility for their own things and we should stop making excuses for them, when we know that in reality our children could do more and achieve more than they do.

This was indeed a lesson for me, when I meet with my daughter’s teachers at the parent teacher conferences yesterday, and while my daughter is doing well in most of her subjects, one teacher told us that our daughter has been up and down this term in her subject, and in the teacher’s opinion she has been underperforming in a couple of tests compared to what she is capable of doing. I was quick to make an excuse that my daughter had been so busy with sports this term with fixtures every weekend and on school days too that I felt we should cut her some slack, and the teacher’s response was that she was not aware of that, as my daughter never made any excuses, but promised to do better in future.

The lesson to take away from this is to be grateful that her teacher was honest and directly told us that our daughter could achieve better results if she made a little extra effort and that she actually had respect for my daughter for not making any excuses for not performing as well as she usual does in some of the tests, and because of this article I read today, I realised that we are not helping our children succeed in life by excusing their behaviour and their underperformance and in this situation my daughter did the right thing by not making any excuses and I was too quick to cut her some slack.

I truly appreciate my daughter’s teacher’s honesty and for expecting more from our daughter when she is capable of achieving better results and even though it was the hardest to hear, it was the most educational and progressive for me, as I am a true believer in the idea that we learn the most from constructive criticism, and although it’s nice to hear the good things, and kudos to all the teachers for being able to emphasise on the good qualities of the students, I encourage the teachers to not be afraid to be honest with us parents and the students, as in the end of the day, I would much rather know if my children are doing badly in school and not living up to expectations than not knowing.

Read the article What teachers really want to tell parents here

In celebration of awareness and progress,

Ghita

Can you imagine the explosion of great ideas and innovation that would come about as a result of a shift in the way we educated children and changed it to accommodate the millions of children, who don’t fit in with the conventional left brained education, but who would flourish, if we implemented conducive learning environments and learning styles in schools based on this knowledge presented in the video, and which would support and enhance children’s natural abilities to be creative and think out of the box?

It is indeed exciting what the future holds, if only more people were prepared to break free from conventional thinking and were willing to try new ways!

Check out the video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG9CE55wbtY

My focus has always been on positive and progressive content, but this past year has had its challenges and I deviated slightly from this focus, hence I didn’t feel I had much to write about on my blog.

Of course there have been great things happening at TIS such as Tenby’s Got Talent in July, where the teachers and students really put in a lot of efforts and hard work to make it a successful and exciting talent show and other positive things happening at the school, but it has also been a year of reflection and I think the school needed time to get clear on its goals and how to move forward. A survey for the parents was conducted and discussions regarding the Parents Association took place during a couple of coffee mornings earlier this year, all of which I attended.

As an employer I can certainly relate to how challenging it is to get everything right, and it’s impossible to make everybody happy, because we come from different backgrounds and have different expectations of the school, but I think the school has to stand its grounds and move on with the vision and mission that they set out to achieve, and I trust that they are genuine in these pursuits, and I can certainly accept challenging times, as long as there are some progress to be seen and as long as the school is transparent and communicate with the parents regularly, so we are kept in the loop of what is happening at the school and as long as the school is open for discussions with the parents and are willing to listen.

It is therefore very exciting for me to see the positive changes and new developments that are currently taking place and are under way in Tenby International School and I feel I have good reason to give the school my 100% support, because they are really trying their very best to reach out to the parent community and to improving the school and themselves to show they are walking their talk. Tenby International School held its first coffee morning of the new academic year 2011/2012 on Monday 26th September 2011, which I attended and thought went very well and I will write about it soon, but I can tell that the school is progressing and new exciting times are in store.

However, for the remaining of this post I want to spend some time talking about communication, trust and expectations. Having studied communication and psychology, I know that we humans see and perceive things differently, so we might not have the same experience and perception of the school, but we ourselves are responsible for the way we perceive and approach the school, the management and the teachers and the way we are treated in return.

Nothing good is accomplished by approaching others with anger, disrespect, resentment or blame, as most people will immediately become defensive and react, sometimes inappropriately, which is very normal, as they are placed in a situation that is very uncomfortable for them. What we need to do is to genuinely acknowledge others for their efforts first and foremost, and emphasize on the positive aspects of their work and on what is going well, before bringing up issues that are of concern to us, presented in a calm, non-attacking and non-threatening manner and with emphasis on trying to find a win win solution for the benefit of all involved, because then people are more likely to help us.

We must first understand others and put ourselves in their shoes, before others are willing to understand us. It always comes from ourselves first, we must take responsibility for the way we communicate with others, and if we feel people misunderstand or mistreat us, we need to be honest with ourselves and try to figure out where we go wrong in our communication with others and then try to do it differently next time and try to improve our style of communication – the way we approach and talk with other people – until we feel understood and respected by them.

Of course the school has a responsibility to serve its “customers” and to work at fulfilling parents’ expectations, exactly what our clients expect of us, but we still need to approach the school in a friendly manner and with the right attitude, otherwise we won’t be successful with our requests.

The school is doing the best they can, and just like we would forgive our spouse for having a bad day, we have to forgive other people too, as the school management and teachers are under constant pressure to perform and live up to the parents’ expectations, and sometimes the pressure gets too much to bear, and as parents we need to step back and trust their ability to provide a good education to our children.

It’s fine to raise questions when in doubt, and give the school an opportunity to address our concerns, however we could choose to be open to the option that our concerns might be based on fears and worries about the future – what if our children won’t get the necessary knowledge, skills and results to enable them to further their studies and become successful – which is a very valid concern, but if we choose not to accept the school’s explanation and choose not to trust their ability to educate our children, regardless of what the school does then, they will never be able to live up to our expectations, because our concerns are based on fear of the future and the unknown, which only we ourselves can do something about.

So to conclude this posting, I encourage parents to trust Tenby International School and allow them room and time to work on the exciting new endeavours, which I will write more about soon.

Take care and have a pleasant day!

To peace, positivity and progression,

Ghita

On the Forum there are different topics posted on the page regularly that seeks people’s opinions, and yesterday I saw a comment by a mother, who said “I want to be a working mum. But how do I live with the guilt?”

I think most mothers feel guilt at times in various degrees, because as a mother we feel we have the main responsibility for our children’s well-being and welfare, and when mothers are not able to be with their children as much as they feel is right for them, it causes a lot of stress and anxiety, because they worry they will not be with their children enough to feel like a good enough mother and this prevents some mothers from working when they have children.

I know of workplaces where the employers are fine with employees going home, when they have worked the expected number of hours in their contract, whether it’s at 5 or 6pm depending on what time they arrive at work, but because there is always more work to do, colleagues staying back longer and late office meetings, it’s difficult for employees to go against the norm and go home “early”. It requires a mind shift in how people view work, themselves, family responsibilities and free time and courage to stay committed to what feels right for them, even when their colleagues stay longer at work than they do.

I believe that mothers who work and who are with their children enough to fulfill their own need to feel like a good mother, whatever that means for the individual, as it’s different from mother to mother, are not only good performers at work, because they are more focused and work more efficiently to complete their work on time to go home to their children, but they will also raise happier and emotionally well-functioning children, because when mothers feel good about themselves and what they are doing with their lives, it has a positive impact on their children and everybody else around them too.

It’s all about feeling good about the choices we make in our lives and staying committed to do the best we can for ourselves and our family, our employers and community.

However I think employers have to start thinking about the expectations they have to their employees, because in most jobs today, work never stops, there is always more to be done and more that can be done, but a healthy business and society must strike a healthy balance between what is reasonable to expect of work to be done by the individual employee to make a sound business and ensuring that employees don’t get sick from the stress of overworking themselves to meet unreasonable demands and the stress, anxiety and inadequacy that parents feel, because they don’t have enough time together with their children and spouses, which prevents them from having the emotional surplus and energy to be a patient and understanding parent and spouse. There are a lot of expectations on today’s parents, which are hard to fulfill, which I think is why we are seeing a rise in non-communicable diseases like high blood pressure and emotional and psychological problems, but because of the expectations, the fast pace and the desire to earn a comfortable living and doing their best to secure their children’s future, parents can hardly breathe before the next task is demanding their attention.

From a whole societal perspective it would be much better if workplaces were flexible enough to allow employees to work according to the work hours in their contract, as long as they live up to reasonable expectations, and it should not matter that a person arrives at work at 7-8am in the morning and leaves at 4-5pm or arrives at 9-10am and leaves at 6-7pm or later if they choose, as long as they perform the job they are supposed to, as they will spend less time stuck in traffic, which is good for the environment, but it will also give parents the option of planning their family life better to create a healthy environment for their children and themselves to flourish and prosper and live happy lives. This will also have a positive effect on the relationships between spouses, because their lives would be less stressful and they can do things that makes them happy together.

I think that companies that are able to offer this balance between work and free time to their employees will be more successful in the future, because I think that employees who are happier and healthier in mind and body are less sick and will do the best they can at work, because at some point people will realise that the wealth and status that might come from working harder and longer will not be worth the effort, if it comes at the expense of their own and their family’s health and well-being, and people will begin to settle for less luxurious lives, in order to live a happy and balanced life without anxiety, unhealthy stress and disease.

As a business owner I know that sometimes we need to work longer hours to meet a deadline or fulfill our promises to clients and that is okay, but we need to be able to prioritise our work and be more focused and effective in completing the tasks at hand, and not waste time on unnecessary distractions, which takes our mind away from what needs to be done. It should be possible to get one days work done in 7-8 hours, and if we can’t, it’s because we are not focused and productive enough in those 7-8 hours. In other words we allow ourselves to be distracted from the work we should be doing or are trying to stretch ourselves too much and beyond what is healthy for us.

We need rest to allow our mind and body to relax and recuperate by doing something else like exercising, spend time with our loved ones and/or friends and do things we love e.g. a hobby, reading, writing etc. as long as we are enjoying it. By working 12-16 hours daily and staying late at work every day all year round doesn’t make us more successful and I don’t think we accomplish more work or better results than we would, if we worked effectively for 8 hours a day or 40 hours spread out over a week. Some people even claim to work effectively for only 4 hours daily and still manage to live a comfortable life. So maybe it’s a paradigm shift in how we work and also what employers expect of results from each employee, as this of course has to be reasonable.

I was brought up in Scandinavia, and no one that I know of took extra tuition after school, and still today 30+ years later, it’s not common that children take extra tuition, as the children are expected to get help with homework from their teachers and parents, if they face problems, but most children manage on their own, which should be encouraged, as this in itself develops essential study skills, which will help them on a long-term basis, as they become more independent, self driven and pro-active in their studies rather than taking a passive, reactive attitude to studying, which is evident among many students, who are not used to being in charge or responsible for doing their homework on their own. And Scandinavian children manage as well in their studies as everyone else without all this extra tuition, and manage to become successful in life and at work, where they contribute a lot to their workplace’s success by being pro-active, self driven and motivated, actively involved in giving input and ideas to improving products and services, are solution orientated and capable of solving tasks on their own, which are beneficial to the companies.

If a child is required to study all the time, it only proves that the child is capable of studying and is diligent and good at following orders, but the question is whether they are capable of applying the knowledge they have gained, once they have passed their exams, since they didn’t have much time to apply the knowledge, but only to memorize the information to achieve good grades, since written exams focus mainly on assessing whether the students are capable of remembering what they have been taught and memorized.

And when it is proven that young people can only concentrate for a short period of time before their minds wander off and/or are interrupted by external sources, why are parents pushing their children to concentrate on their studies hours on end, when it really is wasted efforts, since their brains won’t be able to register all the new information and knowledge anyway. Then they might as well do other activities, where they develop other important skills.

There is an interesting article that deals with this issue, which can be found at the following link >> Why teenagers can’t concentrate: too much grey matter

From various examples, experiences and studies conducted around the world, I think we would do our children and businesses a favour by turning things around, stop the race of giving our children extra tuition till late at night and stop focusing so much on expecting our children to get good grades, and instead encourage our children to be more responsible for their own learning, independent, self reliant, pro-active and solution orientated, as these are, in my opinion and experience, much better skills and qualities for our children to acquire to become successful in future.

There is also an interesting posting on the subject of success and grades at the following link >> Do Good Grades Predict Success

The interesting thing about this posting is that the author found that it was quite difficult to measure what success really is, as success means different things to different people, and my point with this posting is not to judge other parents’ intentions, but to debate whether it is necessary for children to get extra tuition in their forming years and whether it’s worth the efforts and money in the end of the day or whether there are other ways to instill the skills and qualities they need to manage well in future.

To me success is to make a comfortable living doing work that I enjoy and to get opportunities to keep improving myself to become a better person and more knowledgeable and proficient at work and enough challenges to keep my mind working actively on finding solutions, and content, happy and grateful with what I have accomplished in life, knowing that I did the best I could to achieve my goals, and a good health to enjoy the activities I like without pain and discomfort and I wish the same for my children. It’s a personal journey and only we ourselves can find the right path for us to make us happy and content with life, and I encourage parents to ask themselves what it is that drives them and what makes them happy, as sometimes people lose track of what they really want to do in life, because of external influences and expectations.

This can be a daunting task for any young person, because choosing subjects on the basis of strengths/ability and interests and future ambitions may not necessarily be the same. For instance how do you deal with the situation where a young person shows promise for the science subjects, or at the very least the prospect of doing well in the exams, but this young person has no intention of working with anything, which are based on science, and so to him it doesn’t make any sense, why he should choose the science subjects.

But if he doesn’t choose the science subjects, he has to choose other subjects to qualify for furthering his studies, and these other subjects may be of interest to him, but not necessarily enable him to do well in the exams, hence the dilemma. My question is; should students choose subjects based on their ability to score a good grade at the IGCSE exams or should they choose subjects based on their interests, which are in line with their future ambitions, even if they are unable to score high grades? To me personally, scoring high grades at exams are not as important as choosing and studying subjects, which are based on interests and which a student feels contributes towards a future goal, because scoring high grades at exams don’t necessarily mean a successful career, as there are so many other factors at play in life.

It is this dilemma of ability versus interest that is the reason for this posting, because it has come to my attention that many international schools in Malaysia, which includes my kids’ old school, deny students the right to do an examination of particular subjects, if it is estimated that he or she won’t score a high mark i.e. an “A” at the IGCSE exam, and the students have no other choice but to do the examination outside school, so that his or her mark won’t bring the school’s average scores down.

Apparently it is a well-known practice, which parents seem to accept, as they don’t seem to challenge the school about it or is interested in starting a public debate as to why the school has this practice, in spite of it being very discriminating. It is obvious why the school does it, because in the end of the day, the school wants to have a reputation as being a place where the students score high grades at the IGCSE examinations, because it’s a school’s selling point, which gives potential customers the impression that the school is doing a fantastic job of teaching the students at a high level.

As to the last statement, this, I know, is questionable, since many parents make sure that the students get high grades by paying external tutors to study with their children years before the final exams, hence if the students get high grades, it is not the school’s credit and they shouldn’t take credit for it. On the contrary if every student was allowed to take the IGCSE exams, it would paint a much clearer picture as to how good the school is and where the school should improve, which should be the school’s primary goal, since the parents are paying to get a better education for their children.

However in spite of this wrongful practice on the part of the schools, parents continue to accept that only by pushing their kids to get high grades will they be able to take the IGCSE examinations at the school. I do know that a student can take the IGCSE exams outside the school by contacting the British Council, but in my opinion it is a discrimination towards the individual student to be denied the opportunity to sit for exams for all his or her IGCSE subjects in school based on the assumption that they can not score an A and therefore the school removes this threat in order to secure a high average score.

I wonder whether this practice violates human rights to equal opportunity and treatment or whether private institutions are allowed to do whatever they want, because there are no enforcing authorities for the private international schools, which demand equal opportunity for all students regardless of their ability to score a high mark or not.

Shouldn’t it be the school’s responsibility to ensure that students, who are not doing as well as the schools would like, get the extra attention needed to improve his or her chances at getting good grades at the final exams for the benefit of themselves and the school? Why should the school run away from that responsibility, when the parents are paying? Are the schools doing the parents justice, when they are taking our money but not delivering their part of the deal? Shouldn’t parents expect or even demand more from the schools, which gladly take our money for years, but let our children down in the 11th hour through discrimination?

I would like to raise this debate among parents of children attending international schools in Malaysia, and any comments received will be posted, but not necessarily commented by me, and I encourage other parents to setup their own blogs to discuss these issues to let the international schools know that they must take their educational responsibility seriously and give every student an equal opportunity to reach their full potential.

–> Well, I really wish you can represent me. I’ve told the principal I’ve been verbally abused. I have evidence of it. But she doesn’t wish to do anything. The teacher called me pathetic, hopeless, unsuccessful and said I deserved to be yelled at. I got suspended for sticking up for myself. Procedures don’t really count. The only rule that counts is the one that doesn’t exist; the student is always wrong. It’s very depressing. I’ve lost all faith in society now. My father agrees with them. He doesn’t know about the verbal abuse. I don’t think he’ll care. What’s funny, is that a student would get hammered for saying those things to a teacher; because the teachers don’t come here to be abused. Likwise for me, but…no. Oh well, at least a parent here cares enough to write about it. Makes me feel a bit better, because you confirmed to me it is wrong, thank you.

————————-

I wrote back to her and I hope my response was useful to her in some way. You can read my reply here.

I am of the opinion that verbal abuse should be dealt with seriously, because it can be very hurtful to the abused and cause a lot of harm, even if it was meant as a joke. In fact, lots of children and probably also adults, use the excuse “it was just a joke” to cover up what they said, which is even worse, because on top of the hurtful remark, the abuser hurts the person one more time by saying she/he is too sensitive and can’t take a joke. A simple rule is, if no one or the abused doesn’t laugh, it’s not a joke. A much better way would be to apologise.

I urge parents and teachers to teach children to think before they speak and to ask themselves before they speak “if I say this, how would the other person react” or “if someone said this to me, how would I feel” and if a voice inside them tells them that it’s probably not a good idea to say it, then they shouldn’t say it.

I also urge parents and teachers to teach children to apologise immediately, if they say something that has hurt someone, because empathy, which would automatically stop them from saying hurtful things to others, takes time to learn, especially if children have not been taught from home to be considerate of other people’s feelings and to be careful not to hurt others, and it will take time to learn how to control outbursts and start thinking before speaking and to manage anger effectively, but it is worth the efforts.

I recently bought a book that teachers children to stand up for themselves and their friends in an assertive way that don’t keep the fighting going but teaches how to speak up in a respectful way, while still feeling empowered by being able to say something back to the bully/abuser, so it can stop.

From my own experience as the verbally abused/bullied child in school, I learned that the passive or submissive approach by ignoring and waiting it out don’t work, and can actually make it worse. Unfortunately I never learned to stand up for myself during my school days, but tried to ignore it and the bullying continued. It was heartbreaking, and I cried many times and dreaded going to school every day, because I didn’t know how to handle it. I told my parents, but they just told me to ignore it, which didn’t work. Had they known what parents know today, they would have addressed the issue with the school directly to stop it or even better they would have taught me how to stand up for myself, but of course at that time, even parents found it hard to address such issues with the school and didn’t have the knowledge and techniques that we have today to deal with verbal abuse and bullying effectively.

It is because of my own experience as a victim of bullying that I take this issue very seriously as it happens every single day in all schools around the world and inflicts a lot of pain to the involved children. In teaching my own children to stand up for themselves and learn to speak up assertively, they can stop and prevent the fighting/bullying from continuing and gain the respect they deserve as individuals, which is the objective. My hope is that all parents would teach their children assertive communication, because it’s useful in all areas of life, as verbal abuse doesn’t only happen in schools, but in workplaces between colleagues, bosses and subordinates and in homes between husbands and wives and families. I believe that if more people learned to speak assertively and accepted other people’s feelings, boundaries and point of view, even opinions that are different from their own and learned to agree to disagree, there would be more peace and harmony in our relationships with other people, improve our well-being and mental state, and it may even prevent divorce and fighting among people.

Such great possibilities exist in learning how to communicate assertively. So what does it mean to communicate assertively?

There are several definitions such as:

1. Assertive communication is the straightforward and open expression of your needs, desires, thoughts and feelings. Assertive communication involves advocating for your own needs while still considering and respecting the needs of others.

2. As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries, their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them. Passive communicators are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by overcoming fear to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. Assertive people are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.

3. Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognises our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.

4. Assertiveness is a form of communication in which needs or wishes are stated clearly with respect for oneself and the other person in the interaction. Assertive communication is distinguished from passive communication (in which needs or wishes go unstated) and aggressive communication (in which needs or wishes are stated in a hostile or demanding manner).

There are many advantages of assertive communication, most notably these:

• It helps us feel good about ourselves and others
• It leads to the development of mutual respect with others
• It increases our self-esteem
• It helps us achieve our goals
• It minimises hurting and alienating other people
• It reduces anxiety
• It protects us from being taken advantage of by others
• It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life
• It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative

From the help of the book I bought and talking with my daughter about responses and ways of communicating assertively, I am teaching her slowly how to stand up for herself and her friends. And she is slowly beginning to use it and the other day she managed to stop a friend from saying something that would have hurt another friend. What she did was, upon realising what her friend was about to say, she walked over to her and firmly said ”Don’t say it (name), she is going to be hurt if you do”. And that’s it, she not only helped her friend understand that what she was about to say was wrong and could hurt someone else, but she also prevented the other friend from being hurt and she quickly thought of something harmless to divert the attention from the situation. My daughter felt good about herself for being brave enough to speak up and prevent a hurtful situation, as she knows how much it would have hurt, as she has empathy enough to be able to put herself in her friend’s shoes and feel what she would have felt if she had heard it.

While it’s good to teach children the techniques of assertive communication, parents also have a responsibility to teach their children to treat other people nicely and what’s right and what’s wrong to say and do. Parents can’t just leave that up to children to figure out, as values and manners need to be talked about and passed down the generations to ensure that children behave properly and treat others with kindness, respect and consideration.

I will continue to write about assertive communication another day and will also give tips about what to say in different situations.

Some people say that the first 3-6 months of anything new, especially when moving to a new country or to a new school feels like a honeymoon, as you are experiencing all new things and noticing all the beautiful and positive things around you and everything is so exciting. Then comes a period, where things may not seem as great anymore and our emotions take over and start running its old programmes in our head and we start focusing on the negative things instead of the positive. I don’t think anything changed on the outside, but our own thoughts did, so even though I am aware that our journey in Tenby International School seems like a honeymoon, and that it may be replaced by a different reality at some point, I wonder whether it’s our own thought patterns that is playing a role in how we perceive and react to the things and issues we face.

There has been a lot of writing and studies done about this and many people believe that indeed our thoughts, whether negative or positive, are directly linked to the experiences we have in life. Simply put if you have a negative thought pattern within yourself, you will look at life through this negativity and that is what life gives you, because you only pay attention to the negative things, whereas if you have a positive and supportive outlook on life, you will mainly experience life in a positive and helpful light. An example is if a child has some emotional issues and starts paying attention to the negative thoughts in their head, they may be experiencing incidences at school where they feel they are being unfairly treated by their teachers, more punished than others or picked on etc. even if it’s not entirely true from other people’s perspective. If you have a child that see things in this way, what do you do as a parent? Scold the teacher for treating your child unfairly and demand the teacher to leave your child alone or do you try to find the reasons why your child is seeing and experiencing things the way he/she does, as it may well be that it’s the child’s own negative thoughts and feelings that are causing them to feel that others are treating them badly or they themselves who, with their body language, is attracting negativity back?

I would try to find the reasons and then do my best to help my child overcome this problem and if possible together with the teacher, as I feel it’s important that a person who is around the child many hours a day understands the child’s issues and support them in working through the issues with them, as a child may not be able to do it alone at school, but needs the encouragement, reassurance, support and caring from an adult that is prepared to help the child along this journey of overcoming negative emotional issues.

It’s not an easy thing to do, but I feel it’s important to look into this to ensure that children have the best chances of succeeding in life regardless of where they come from, the baggage they carry and the emotional issues they have to overcome.

Yesterday I received a comment from a reader, a teacher and parent, who raise a very important issue with the national schools, which is the number of students in each class. My reply was quite long, so I decided to post her comment here and my reply below.

By Nur Aida:

As a parent born and raised in Malaysia, I agree with you that extra tuition is not truly needed, on condition that the child’s home environment, as well as the school, allows the child to gain whatever knowledge he needs.  Sadly, this is not necessarily the case.  Being a teacher in a national school, I keep on hoping that someday soon, the classroom enrollment of every class is reduced to the ideal number of 25. If this is not possible, then I do wish we teachers get teacher assistants to help us teach better in class.

My reply:

Thank you very much for your comment. You are absolutely right, the class size should be max. 25, which was the case back in my school days and still is and is currently the case with Tenby International School and most other private schools. Or as you mention, there should be an assistant teacher for every class to help out, as it’s impossible and unfair for one teacher to cope with 40+ students and I understand the difficultly both teachers, students and parents are facing with the current situation in national schools.

I am sure there are parents and teachers who have been lobbying for this, but if not, perhaps it’s time to unite on this issue and request the Ministry of Education to look into it with the aim of making the necessary changes required. Coincidentally I just saw a quotation from Albert Einstein, which says “Nothing happens until something moves.”, which holds true in most things. If we need and want something to be done, we have to take the initiative and get the ball rolling to make progress. I know and have heard of many wonderful and caring teachers, and I think that if these teachers and parents get together and believe in your power to make a change for the better, you can make that change come true, if you stand together and never give up before you have reached your goal. We always wish someone else could do it, as it’s time-consuming and challenging, but unfortunately this is the reason why there is a lack of progress, because as Einstein said; nothing happens until something moves, and may I add, or until someone moves, and the more people who unite and convince the Government with strong arguments and valid reasons, the stronger your case.

And I believe you do have the right to speak up and request changes, because there is a Convention on the rights of the child, signed by the international community. Among many other rights, the Convention has four core principles, which are non-discrimination; devotion to the best interests of the child; the right to life, survival and development; and respect for the views of the child. Every right spelled out in the Convention is inherent to the human dignity and harmonious development of every child. The Convention protects children’s rights by setting standards in health care; education; and legal, civil and social services.

I think there should be a limit to how many hours children are expected to spent on their schooling per day, so they have adequate time to relax and indulge in other positive activities for all-round and healthy development both physically and mentally.

For more information about the Convention, go to www.unicef.org/crc/.

To me the article is very inspiring because it not only gives ideas for self help but it also give parents ideas and advice on how to communicate with our children to create the most positive impact on their mind-set for future success and to better withstand setbacks, which of course is one of my biggest priorities as a parent, to help my children develop the necessary life skills to better cope with the challenges their face in life, and is the reason for emphasizing on this in this posting.

It’s not new to me, but it’s always great to be reminded about it, as we so easily forget and fall back on our usual style of parenting, which may not always be the most beneficial and effective way, so I hope the examples provided in the article will strengthen my ability to be even better at communicating with my children.

Here goes:

Make up your mind to succeed

Well-intentioned parents have unwittingly left their kids defenseless against failure. The current generation of millennials (born between 1980 and 2001) grew up playing sports where scores and performance were downplayed because “everyone’s a winner.” And their report cards had more positive spin than an AIG press release. As a result, Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck, PhD, calls them the “overpraised generation.” Fortunately, once you understand the situation, there’s some quick corrective action that can be taken. And even if you’re well past your child-rearing years, her advice will help you better withstand setbacks.

Dweck has been studying how people handle failure for 40 years. Her research has led her to identify two distinct mind-sets that dramatically influence how we react to it. Here’s how they work:

A fixed mind-set is grounded in the belief that talent is genetic–you’re a born artist, point guard, or numbers person. The fixed mind-set believes it’s entitled to success without much effort and regards failure as a personal affront. When things get tough, it’s quick to blame, withdraw, lie, and even avoid future challenge or risk.

Conversely, a growth mind-set assumes that no talent is entirely heaven-sent and that effort and learning make everything possible. Because the ego isn’t on the line as much, the growth mind-set sees failure as opportunity rather than insult. When challenged, it’s quick to reassess, adjust, and try again. In fact, it relishes this process.

We are all born with growth mind-sets. (Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to survive in the world.) But parents, coaches, and teachers often push us into fixed mind-sets by rewarding certain behaviors and misdirecting praise. Dweck’s book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, and online instructional program, brainology.us, explain this in depth. But she says there are many little things you can start doing today to guarantee that your kids, grandkids, and even you never get derailed by failure.

FOR KIDS
In school
Never compliment a child by saying “You’re so smart” or “You picked that up so quickly.” Instead, praise effort or strategy by saying “That was clever of you to take that approach” or “I’m proud of your persistence.” Listen for similar remarks from teachers and correct them.

In sports
Instead of “You’re a natural,” say “Practice is really making you better.” Instead of inquiring “Did you win?” ask “Did you give your best effort?” Explains Dweck, “Talent isn’t passed down in the genes; it’s passed down in the mind-set.”

At the dinner table
Instead of the standard “How was your day?” (which everyone dreads anyway), ask “What did you learn today?” or “What mistakes did you make that taught you something?” Describe with zeal something you’re struggling with. “Instill a passion for learning,” says Dweck.

In making plans for the future
Don’t just ask about goals; ask about the plan for reaching those goals.

In frustration
Don’t permit children to refer to themselves as losers, failures, stupid, or clumsy. “Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,” says Dweck. Likewise, don’t label your kids. Don’t say this one is the artist, and this one is the computer geek. Anyone can be anything.

In doubt
If you encounter skepticism, ask the child to think of areas in which she once had low ability and now excels, or to recall a time when she saw someone learn something or improve in ways not thought possible.

FOR YOU
At work
Instead of letting salary, benefits, and status define job satisfaction, ask yourself if you’re still learning. If the answer is yes, then you’re fortunate to have a job that encourages a growth mind-set. View its challenges as opportunities rather than stress. If you’ve stopped learning, then consider looking either for new avenues of growth or for another job.

In relationships
Blame never resolves anything. It’s merely the fixed mind-set insisting that you’re right. The next time you’re tempted to blame, says Dweck, remember that “the whole point of marriage is to encourage each other’s development.”

When feeling down
People who are depressed tend to believe that’s just the way they are. Instead of viewing yourself as a failed end product, think of yourself as a temporarily derailed work in progress. “We usually think of personality as something very stable,” says Dweck, “but we’re finding that even core parts of it can be changed by shifting mind-sets.”

Follow the link to read the full article at http://www.rd.com and for the above tips: Make up your mind to succeed.