–> Well, I really wish you can represent me. I’ve told the principal I’ve been verbally abused. I have evidence of it. But she doesn’t wish to do anything. The teacher called me pathetic, hopeless, unsuccessful and said I deserved to be yelled at. I got suspended for sticking up for myself. Procedures don’t really count. The only rule that counts is the one that doesn’t exist; the student is always wrong. It’s very depressing. I’ve lost all faith in society now. My father agrees with them. He doesn’t know about the verbal abuse. I don’t think he’ll care. What’s funny, is that a student would get hammered for saying those things to a teacher; because the teachers don’t come here to be abused. Likwise for me, but…no. Oh well, at least a parent here cares enough to write about it. Makes me feel a bit better, because you confirmed to me it is wrong, thank you.

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I wrote back to her and I hope my response was useful to her in some way. You can read my reply here.

I am of the opinion that verbal abuse should be dealt with seriously, because it can be very hurtful to the abused and cause a lot of harm, even if it was meant as a joke. In fact, lots of children and probably also adults, use the excuse “it was just a joke” to cover up what they said, which is even worse, because on top of the hurtful remark, the abuser hurts the person one more time by saying she/he is too sensitive and can’t take a joke. A simple rule is, if no one or the abused doesn’t laugh, it’s not a joke. A much better way would be to apologise.

I urge parents and teachers to teach children to think before they speak and to ask themselves before they speak “if I say this, how would the other person react” or “if someone said this to me, how would I feel” and if a voice inside them tells them that it’s probably not a good idea to say it, then they shouldn’t say it.

I also urge parents and teachers to teach children to apologise immediately, if they say something that has hurt someone, because empathy, which would automatically stop them from saying hurtful things to others, takes time to learn, especially if children have not been taught from home to be considerate of other people’s feelings and to be careful not to hurt others, and it will take time to learn how to control outbursts and start thinking before speaking and to manage anger effectively, but it is worth the efforts.

I recently bought a book that teachers children to stand up for themselves and their friends in an assertive way that don’t keep the fighting going but teaches how to speak up in a respectful way, while still feeling empowered by being able to say something back to the bully/abuser, so it can stop.

From my own experience as the verbally abused/bullied child in school, I learned that the passive or submissive approach by ignoring and waiting it out don’t work, and can actually make it worse. Unfortunately I never learned to stand up for myself during my school days, but tried to ignore it and the bullying continued. It was heartbreaking, and I cried many times and dreaded going to school every day, because I didn’t know how to handle it. I told my parents, but they just told me to ignore it, which didn’t work. Had they known what parents know today, they would have addressed the issue with the school directly to stop it or even better they would have taught me how to stand up for myself, but of course at that time, even parents found it hard to address such issues with the school and didn’t have the knowledge and techniques that we have today to deal with verbal abuse and bullying effectively.

It is because of my own experience as a victim of bullying that I take this issue very seriously as it happens every single day in all schools around the world and inflicts a lot of pain to the involved children. In teaching my own children to stand up for themselves and learn to speak up assertively, they can stop and prevent the fighting/bullying from continuing and gain the respect they deserve as individuals, which is the objective. My hope is that all parents would teach their children assertive communication, because it’s useful in all areas of life, as verbal abuse doesn’t only happen in schools, but in workplaces between colleagues, bosses and subordinates and in homes between husbands and wives and families. I believe that if more people learned to speak assertively and accepted other people’s feelings, boundaries and point of view, even opinions that are different from their own and learned to agree to disagree, there would be more peace and harmony in our relationships with other people, improve our well-being and mental state, and it may even prevent divorce and fighting among people.

Such great possibilities exist in learning how to communicate assertively. So what does it mean to communicate assertively?

There are several definitions such as:

1. Assertive communication is the straightforward and open expression of your needs, desires, thoughts and feelings. Assertive communication involves advocating for your own needs while still considering and respecting the needs of others.

2. As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from aggression and passivity. How people deal with personal boundaries, their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to abuse or manipulate them. Passive communicators are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by overcoming fear to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that respects the personal boundaries of others. Assertive people are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.

3. Assertive communication is the ability to express positive and negative ideas and feelings in an open, honest and direct way. It recognises our rights whilst still respecting the rights of others. It allows us to take responsibility for ourselves and our actions without judging or blaming other people. And it allows us to constructively confront and find a mutually satisfying solution where conflict exists.

4. Assertiveness is a form of communication in which needs or wishes are stated clearly with respect for oneself and the other person in the interaction. Assertive communication is distinguished from passive communication (in which needs or wishes go unstated) and aggressive communication (in which needs or wishes are stated in a hostile or demanding manner).

There are many advantages of assertive communication, most notably these:

• It helps us feel good about ourselves and others
• It leads to the development of mutual respect with others
• It increases our self-esteem
• It helps us achieve our goals
• It minimises hurting and alienating other people
• It reduces anxiety
• It protects us from being taken advantage of by others
• It enables us to make decisions and free choices in life
• It enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative

From the help of the book I bought and talking with my daughter about responses and ways of communicating assertively, I am teaching her slowly how to stand up for herself and her friends. And she is slowly beginning to use it and the other day she managed to stop a friend from saying something that would have hurt another friend. What she did was, upon realising what her friend was about to say, she walked over to her and firmly said ”Don’t say it (name), she is going to be hurt if you do”. And that’s it, she not only helped her friend understand that what she was about to say was wrong and could hurt someone else, but she also prevented the other friend from being hurt and she quickly thought of something harmless to divert the attention from the situation. My daughter felt good about herself for being brave enough to speak up and prevent a hurtful situation, as she knows how much it would have hurt, as she has empathy enough to be able to put herself in her friend’s shoes and feel what she would have felt if she had heard it.

While it’s good to teach children the techniques of assertive communication, parents also have a responsibility to teach their children to treat other people nicely and what’s right and what’s wrong to say and do. Parents can’t just leave that up to children to figure out, as values and manners need to be talked about and passed down the generations to ensure that children behave properly and treat others with kindness, respect and consideration.

I will continue to write about assertive communication another day and will also give tips about what to say in different situations.

To me the article is very inspiring because it not only gives ideas for self help but it also give parents ideas and advice on how to communicate with our children to create the most positive impact on their mind-set for future success and to better withstand setbacks, which of course is one of my biggest priorities as a parent, to help my children develop the necessary life skills to better cope with the challenges their face in life, and is the reason for emphasizing on this in this posting.

It’s not new to me, but it’s always great to be reminded about it, as we so easily forget and fall back on our usual style of parenting, which may not always be the most beneficial and effective way, so I hope the examples provided in the article will strengthen my ability to be even better at communicating with my children.

Here goes:

Make up your mind to succeed

Well-intentioned parents have unwittingly left their kids defenseless against failure. The current generation of millennials (born between 1980 and 2001) grew up playing sports where scores and performance were downplayed because “everyone’s a winner.” And their report cards had more positive spin than an AIG press release. As a result, Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck, PhD, calls them the “overpraised generation.” Fortunately, once you understand the situation, there’s some quick corrective action that can be taken. And even if you’re well past your child-rearing years, her advice will help you better withstand setbacks.

Dweck has been studying how people handle failure for 40 years. Her research has led her to identify two distinct mind-sets that dramatically influence how we react to it. Here’s how they work:

A fixed mind-set is grounded in the belief that talent is genetic–you’re a born artist, point guard, or numbers person. The fixed mind-set believes it’s entitled to success without much effort and regards failure as a personal affront. When things get tough, it’s quick to blame, withdraw, lie, and even avoid future challenge or risk.

Conversely, a growth mind-set assumes that no talent is entirely heaven-sent and that effort and learning make everything possible. Because the ego isn’t on the line as much, the growth mind-set sees failure as opportunity rather than insult. When challenged, it’s quick to reassess, adjust, and try again. In fact, it relishes this process.

We are all born with growth mind-sets. (Otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to survive in the world.) But parents, coaches, and teachers often push us into fixed mind-sets by rewarding certain behaviors and misdirecting praise. Dweck’s book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, and online instructional program, brainology.us, explain this in depth. But she says there are many little things you can start doing today to guarantee that your kids, grandkids, and even you never get derailed by failure.

FOR KIDS
In school
Never compliment a child by saying “You’re so smart” or “You picked that up so quickly.” Instead, praise effort or strategy by saying “That was clever of you to take that approach” or “I’m proud of your persistence.” Listen for similar remarks from teachers and correct them.

In sports
Instead of “You’re a natural,” say “Practice is really making you better.” Instead of inquiring “Did you win?” ask “Did you give your best effort?” Explains Dweck, “Talent isn’t passed down in the genes; it’s passed down in the mind-set.”

At the dinner table
Instead of the standard “How was your day?” (which everyone dreads anyway), ask “What did you learn today?” or “What mistakes did you make that taught you something?” Describe with zeal something you’re struggling with. “Instill a passion for learning,” says Dweck.

In making plans for the future
Don’t just ask about goals; ask about the plan for reaching those goals.

In frustration
Don’t permit children to refer to themselves as losers, failures, stupid, or clumsy. “Never let failure progress from an action to an identity,” says Dweck. Likewise, don’t label your kids. Don’t say this one is the artist, and this one is the computer geek. Anyone can be anything.

In doubt
If you encounter skepticism, ask the child to think of areas in which she once had low ability and now excels, or to recall a time when she saw someone learn something or improve in ways not thought possible.

FOR YOU
At work
Instead of letting salary, benefits, and status define job satisfaction, ask yourself if you’re still learning. If the answer is yes, then you’re fortunate to have a job that encourages a growth mind-set. View its challenges as opportunities rather than stress. If you’ve stopped learning, then consider looking either for new avenues of growth or for another job.

In relationships
Blame never resolves anything. It’s merely the fixed mind-set insisting that you’re right. The next time you’re tempted to blame, says Dweck, remember that “the whole point of marriage is to encourage each other’s development.”

When feeling down
People who are depressed tend to believe that’s just the way they are. Instead of viewing yourself as a failed end product, think of yourself as a temporarily derailed work in progress. “We usually think of personality as something very stable,” says Dweck, “but we’re finding that even core parts of it can be changed by shifting mind-sets.”

Follow the link to read the full article at http://www.rd.com and for the above tips: Make up your mind to succeed.