Gaonomics

The other day I wrote about how happy I was to be able to still communicate with my teenage son, and how I realised the importance of being there for him when he is ready to talk. Then earlier this week there was an article in NewStraitsTimes called “Getting through” that coincidentally talked about the exact same thing.

I have extracted some of the comments from the article in this posting to highlight some of the common experiences and suggestions on how to maintain a good and close relationship with our teenagers.

If you talk to anyone who is raising a teenager or teenagers, one of the main things the parent would be agonising over is figuring out how to get through to the kid.

Let’s face it, teenagers — most of them anyway — aren’t exactly the easiest bunch for adults to connect with.

So it can be a shock for parents one day to find their tween now a teen and the frequency used to communicate is no longer in service.

Being accessible seems to be the route that works.

“Treat them like a friend, have an open mind and follow the young trend if possible. Try to share at least 5 to 15 minutes (or more if possible) everyday with them. Update each other and shower them with care and love.

Even teens echo that thought. “Good communication between parents and teens is when parents are easy to approach by their teens in a situation. It is good communication when teens can easily go up to their parents and ask, confide and tell their parents what is going on in their lives.

“Good communication can only happen when parents decide that they want to be a friend with their children first and authoritative figures next.

“As with all good communication, it is very important to listen and understand first. I always try to be a friend, not an authority figure. I bear in mind that I was a teen once and try to remember how I thought and acted as a teen.

And I try not to say ‘no’ first when she asks for anything. I also try to be flexible wherever I can so as not to come across as being too rigid.

According to Dr Subash Kumar Pillai, senior lecturer and consultant psychiatrist for child adolescent and adult psychiatry at the University Malaya Medical Centre, good communication starts from the time you have a child. “Show them that their views are important. Allow them to talk and express themselves. As always, good communication can only begin when the relationship between the teen and the parent is good.

“No one is going to confide in anyone if there isn’t a good relationship to start with. Build a good relationship with the teen from the time they are young and not when they are teens,” he added.

“If there is one thing that is important in communication with your child, it is the attachment or bond between the parent and child.

“How do parents spend time with their child? Do they only ask them if they have finished their homework? Do they spend time playing with their kids? It’s something you don’t see so much these days,” he asked.

The child will listen to you if you have a good relationship with them. Lecturing can make it seem like you are nagging when all you want is to make your point,” he explained.

It is an impossible, frustrating feeling for a parent who tries but knows that they are not getting through to their offspring.

“Once children are in their teens, rebelliousness kicks in. It can be frustrating when they refuse to listen to your well-meaning advice and call it nagging.

How can a parent help their teen build a sense of independence without letting them run wild and getting into trouble? “Teens need to be independent and be aware of their limits. How a parent is going to explain to the child all this is determined by the strength of their relationship. There is so much of negative influences in the society and parents need to exert their influence on their children,” said Subash. In any modern society, the idea of the teen making contact with friends of the opposite sex can be a cold, nightmarish thought for most concerned parents. It’s tricky territory for sure.

“Parents should remember that they too were teenagers once. Teenagers need some freedom. It’s good to understand what was it like for them at that age and how they would have like things to be different with their parents,” he said.

“Unfortunately many parents spend too much time worrying about their child’s academic performance instead of their other needs.

“Spend time with the child. Play and enjoy some quality time with them. It could be something simple like watching a movie, playing football or going out on a picnic.” Ultimately, there is no easy, quick fix.

“There are no shortcuts to good parenting. It takes a lot of work and time to build relationships with your kids. But the long-term benefits are substantial and should prevent most problems,” he added.

To read the full article, go to Newstraitstimes.